


I Bet My Life

by beaniek4



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate take on 2x12, Angst, Canon Compliant, Guns, M/M, Mentions of Bryce Walker, Mentions of Montgomery de la Cruz - Freeform, Mentions of Rape, Pre-Slash, References to Past Suicide Attempt, There are some life lessons given towards the end haha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-26
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2019-05-29 04:04:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15064757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beaniek4/pseuds/beaniek4
Summary: God, if only he hadn’t taken Monty’s word. If only he had just fucking gone outside. Maybe she’d still be alive today.He doesn’t realize there are tears running down his face until his door was pushed all the way open and a figure walked into the room. He looks over and sees Zach in the doorway, eyeing him with a shocked face. He thinks maybe Zach was just confused that he was in here crying, but then he realizes he’s still holding the gun in his hand.





	I Bet My Life

**Author's Note:**

> I got the idea in my head yesterday about what could've happened had Zach come in when Alex was still holding the gun after receiving it in the mail and decided to write about it. Hope you enjoy.

When he had been told about a package arriving for him and saw his name written on the front of it with red sharpie, he knew it was going to be something bad. First he received the target, then the bullet, and now whatever this is. As he sits in his room and stares down at the envelope, he can’t help the anxiety that rushes through him at the possibilities of what it could be that filter through his mind. What if there’s somehow a remote-activated bomb in there? Or dismembered fingers? Okay, he admits that idea isn’t really possible, and wouldn’t fit the cycle of things he’s gotten already. But still, the fear is still there.

He rips open the package, crumpling up the scraps of brown paper and throwing them to the side. He eyes the glint of metal poking out and already knows what it is before he grabs ahold of it with his right hand. A gun. With it, there’s a folded up piece of paper that he opens with his other hand and he feels his mind buzzing as he reads the note that’s also written in red ink.

“How can you live with yourself?” it says.

There are shooting noises in the background that are distracting him, bringing his mind to a place he can’t quite grasp. He goes with it, allows himself to face the TV showing the title screen of his video game and get lost in the memory his mind is trying to unravel. The note falls from his hand.

Then he remembers.

Monty. The pool house. The noises coming from outside. Bryce and Hannah. The fact that he had been there, and that, if he hadn’t believed what Monty had said, if he had just gone outside, he could’ve stopped the event that ultimately destroyed Hannah’s life. The words “I could’ve stopped it” from his suicide note echo in his mind, and he feels his chest tighten and his eyes begin to water. He knows he wouldn’t have been strong enough—even back then when his whole body still worked—to get Bryce out of the tub and away from her, but maybe he could’ve at least tried, showed he cared. Monty probably would’ve stopped him, held him back, beat him up and threaten him into not saying anything, but he would’ve backed up Hannah anyway. Even if he wouldn’t have had the muscle to stop it from happening, he would’ve been there for her, gone with her to the police and reported it, been a witness on the stand.

God, if only he hadn’t taken Monty’s word. If only he had just fucking gone outside. Maybe she’d still be alive today.

He doesn’t realize there are tears running down his face until his door was pushed all the way open and a figure walked into the room. He looks over and sees Zach in the doorway, eyeing him with a shocked face. He thinks maybe Zach was just confused that he was in here crying, but then he realizes he’s still holding the gun in his hand. Shit. Holding a gun while tears are streaming from his eyes probably doesn’t look like a good picture, especially to someone who knows about his suicide attempt.

“Zach—“ he begins, wanting to assure the other that it’s not what it looks like, but his voice comes out all choked up. Zach rushes over to him and snatches the gun out of his hand and throws it the side of the room. It clanks loudly against the floor and Alex finds himself flinching at the sound. He has never seen the other look so scared and angry before, and he feels bad that he’s the one who brought that out, even if it was because of a misunderstanding.

Zach kneels beside Alex’s computer chair and grabs him by the wrist. “What the fuck, Alex?! I thought— Fuck, I thought you were trying to get better! Why would you—?! You know there are people here who care! You know this! So why—?!” Now Zach‘s eyes were wet as well, although it’s obvious he was trying to keep the tears from falling, trying to keep himself together despite how quickly he was coming apart.

It hurt Alex seeing how upset Zach was, and he feels he had to put a stop to it before it got worse. “Zach, listen— It’s not mine. Someone sent it to me.”

That gets Zach’s attention fast, and he looks up at him with questioning eyes, although there’s still concern in them as well. “What are you talking about?” he asks, his grip on Alex’s wrist loosening.

Alex moved his hand away from Zach’s to wipe away some stray tears. He holds himself back from doing the same to Zach’s eyes. “You know how I got that target awhile back? Well, I received a bullet in my locker today, and then this arrived at the Baker’s store for me.” He looks over at the pile of torn brown paper behind him and he knows Zach follows his gaze. He then turns his attention to the floor in front of him, where the note lies next to Zach’s knees. “There was a note as well, and... I figured it all out. That’s—That’s why I was crying, I just— I remembered something and I wish I could fucking go back in time and fix things...” he tapers off as more tears spring from his eyes. He’s been through a lot with Zach in the past several months, but he doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to crying in front of him. He’s been trying to find a steady balance between controlling his emotions and opening up when he needs to, however, because of his brain trauma, things like sadness and anger—especially anger—are still hard for him to manage properly.

Zach’s hands hold onto his own, grasping softly in assurance. “What did you remember?”

Alex doesn’t want to tell him. He really doesn’t. It’s not that he doesn’t trust Zach, he does. It’s just that admitting it out loud means it happening. It solidifies the fact that he once again failed Hannah, even if this time he didn’t mean to. But at the same time, if he just keeps it to himself, he’ll certainly be destroyed with the knowledge once again. So he tells Zach. He tells him about that night, about how he and Monty were still in the pool house playing video games after everyone else had gone away. He recalled how there were weird noises coming from outside and that Monty went to check on it, only to tell him it was just Bryce with some girl, making it seem like there was nothing awful going on. He found himself becoming angry with himself, clenching his fists in Zach’s hands, as he says how at the time he had said such cruel words about the then-mystery person, despite the fact that even if it hadn’t been rape it was still a shitty thing to say about girls. He doesn’t meet Zach’s eyes as he cries about wishing things had gone differently: not believing Monty, going out there himself, stopping everything and getting justice for Hannah.

“I now know this was the guilt that I referenced in my note, and that everyone would think that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself because I didn’t actually know what was happening, but I just— I can’t help but hate myself for not being there for her. I was fucking there, and I let her down again. I’m such a—“

Suddenly Zach’s arms were around him, pulling him in close and offering a comfort he didn’t expect to find in the embrace. He buries his face in Zach’s shoulder as the other continues to hold him tightly. He wishes he could stop crying, that he could pull himself together, but the guilt is so overwhelming that he can’t help but give in to it. Perhaps this is how he had felt and reacted when he first listened to the tapes and had gotten to Bryce’s, when he put the pieces together about that night.

“It’s okay, Alex, it’s going to be okay. It’s not your fault. You’re not a bad person, I promise.”

Zach’s soothing words fill the air and Alex is desperate to drown in them, to believe in them and stop this cycle of self-loathing that he had apparently dealt with before his suicide attempt. He wonders if there is a Heaven, if Hannah’s there watching him, if she forgives him. He wonders if he even deserves her forgiveness. He reluctantly pulls away from Zach’s hold, trying to dry his eyes with the sleeve of his cardigan. Zach’s just sadly looking at him. Alex is grateful that there doesn’t seem to be any pity in Zach’s gaze.

Zach speaks up once again. “We’ve all done things we aren’t proud of, but... that doesn’t mean we can’t change for the better. There’s no point in thinking of what-if scenarios or wishing for time to reverse itself. All we can do now is take the knowledge we’ve gained from our mistakes and use it to better ourselves, to help others.” He looks away. “There were times I could’ve helped her but didn’t. I could’ve done more. While it is too late to save her, it’s not too late to reach out to those who still need someone to save them. It’s not too late to make a change in someone’s life. We’re learning everyday and we can keep growing as long as we don’t give up. Alright? Don’t give up, Alex, not again. You’re a good person. You aren’t Bryce. You aren’t Monty.”

All Alex can do in response is nod, a small smile forming on his face. Zach hugs him again. Alex feels content to just relax in his hold until he remembers something else he needs to say. He pulls away.

“That reminds me... I know who’s messing with us... but I don't know where he is.”


End file.
